Ah the season of giving! As a special treat every year I like to sit back and enjoy some of my favourite yuletide cinematical offerings. I detail them now and also add wether they can be enjoyed only at Xmas or anytime of year...
1) Die Hard. Always on my list (that I check twice out of OCD) this film sums up the season as a whole. It has the promise of goodwill and cheer and turns into malevolence and one-liners. Set in LA it also has the bonus of no snow which immediately makes it a film you can enjoy whenever you feel. For me that feeling is as regular as toilet breaks. Many cite this as being one of the first "heroes that bleed" movies - however, that honour goes to Indiana Jones IMO - but you cannot help but feel for McLane as he limps out in the last showdown with blood gushing from everywhere. He looks drained and ready to give up but still smokes 2 bad guys.
2) It's A Wonderful Life. I really shouldn't have to say anything about this film. It is perfect in every way. I blub endlessly as the snow begins falling again and he discovers Zuzu's petals are back in his pocket. In fact I don't think I have ever watched the end of this film without foggy vision but it never ceases to give me the oomph of a feel good classic. Plus as the film is set over different time periods it is also a film to be enjoyed at any time of year although saved for the season is best.
3) Reindeer Games. Known as "Deception" in the UK and thus destroying the analogy (Affleck plays a guy named Rudy) I went into this film for one reason. I have mentioned my love of Affleck movies (Yeah Gigli? So what?) and this film appeared on my list of things I needed to see. As a bonus it was one of Charlize Theron's "get them out" films she made before going legit. So a bunch of hoods get Affleck to plan a robbery and then spend the running time beating him up a lot. The film is dynamite. If you get the chance watch the Directors Cut - IT IS VICIOUS. In one scene the villain Gabriel (Gary Sinise) throws darts at Ben. It's a wince inducing scene in the original cut - the DC features about FIVE more darts and each one going in. This really is a Christmas film. I have watched it outside of the holidays but it loses something. Still worth watching for the anti-christmas vibes.
4) Surviving Christmas. Yep Affleck returns. Won't bang on about this film but it is pretty sweet. James Gandolfini plays a fat hard ass who rents out his family to lonely Affleck who learns the true meaning of Christmas or something. I don't care - it's great for Christmas.
5) Jingle All The Way. As your respect for me dwindles dear reader, I feel I have to say that I watch films for one reason - entertainment. If a film isn't entertaining then I switch it off and I try not to bang on and bitch about it online... much. Jingle All The Way is so much fun you forget you are watching Arnie spectacularly fail at comedy AGAIN!! It just works. Also I have to admit the spirit of Christmas even makes me misty at the end. IT'S TURBO TIME!
6) Scrooged. A given. Bill Murray plays asshole brilliantly. Some may say this is because he is one but he was my hero from the age of 8 so I ignore. Frank Cross is such a bastard he makes Scrooge look like my grandad (who was awesome). The bonus is his redemption is almost forced upon him not by subtle influence but by the harsh reality of his death. Scrooge was almost convinced throughout his journey whereas Frank is constantly fighting it until he is set on fire during his own cremation. Then realising he isn't dead he "changes" for the better. I love watching it and trying to work out if I'm truly convinced in the change.
So this is all a roundabouts way of telling you how I spent my Christmas Day viewing. I watched the following:
1) Phantasm III
2) Phantasm oblIVion
3) Motel Hell
and I started watching Rec but gave up when it got too late.
What is wrong with me?
Saturday, 27 December 2008
Thursday, 11 September 2008
Why I dislike Kevin Smith.
I never knew Smith was a hate figure.
I always believed him to have an enormous following of abject worship and the only people who wanted to cause him harm were the religious nuts who were anti-Dogma. Way back when I met a good friend through Smith's work. One morning he came in late to work and explained he had to buy a copy of Mallrats. So instead of disciplining the guy I asked to borrow the movie. To which he said "Only if you watch Clerks first."
So, that very night, I rented Clerks and was blown away. Having spent years trying to come up with a film I thought I could make independently along comes this guy that does just that. However, he did it with such flair and genius that it set up home in my heart. Working in a video store (or retail in general) this film speaks to the few, the tired hard working people who have to deal with the inanities of life and work. All the while there is the constant balance of work and home and trying to measure the two.
Mallrats was given to me and I raced home to watch. It became a favorite immediately, once again speaking to that part of me I had never seen interpreted in film before. Just as Smith made Mallrats as his Animal House I wrote a movie called Poolgods to be my Mallrats.
Chasing Amy happened at a time when I was involved in an oddly similar situation. Even worse the situation ended the same - the girl walking away leaving me a hollow shell. I still watch the film with a pain inside for what could've been but either way I'm Affleck.
Dogma. The first film of Smith's that actually FELT like a film. A good one too. Sure a little disjointed and overly dialogued but still it was... well WHOLE. The characters had long arcs and twists to their being and the film relied heavily on emotion - played brilliantly by all the cast.
But then something happened. Something bad. Silent Bob wasn't silent anymore and Kevin Smith suddenly had a voice... about everything.
I couldn't open a magazine without Smith waxing lyrical about something or other and it built to a point where I stopped looking. I was scared I would start to hate him and in turn myself. See Kevin Smith was me but succesful, his voice had been heard and as all my scripts and ideas piled up it became more and more clear. It wasn't jealousy but I couldn't stand hearing Smith using cool expressions that seemed too young for him. "Flick" to describe a movie, "Cat" to describe a person... I cringed whenever I heard it.
Nevertheless I enjoyed Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and Jersey Girl. I LOVED Jersey Girl. It was an amazing story and well written too but the performances were awesome. I'll save Affleck adulation for a later blog (My Affleck-tion - coming soon) but the young girl was incredible. Plus, like so many Smith films before it, this movie spoke to me now as a father.
I bought An Evening With Kevin Smith and watched it many times - one thing about the guy is he can damn well spin a yarn. I bought the second, Evening Harder, and then once again it fell apart. Whereas the first DVD was edited highlights of numerous shows, the second was two full shows. So all the bits that were not as good were left in and Smith just seemed to ramble on and on. Also every sentence (and if you own it go check) seems to end with "N'shit" - EVERY SENTENCE... seemingly.
This was just all I could take. I watched both shows getting more and more frustrated n'shit. But then his opinions were everywhere. To this day Smith shows up all over with his blog "My Boring Ass Life" reading like a big smug "I'm better than you" to everyone. I wish I could say not having to work a meandering 9-5/6 job and hanging out with every celebrity going just to enhance my name dropping skills is "boring".
Currently, Smith is touting his new film "Zack and Miri make a porno" and for the first time in a long time I cannot actually work up the excitement to see the film. I haven't even viewed the trailer mainly because of two things: More internet Smith news regarding the MPAA and Seth fucking Rogen.
Rogen just seems to be everywhere. Click on a website and it'll be full of ads for Pineapple Express, which is another film I don't care about. Look, he may be a lovely guy and a talented person but I don't like him. He exists as a person I just wouldn't get along with - especially after his weed advertising on The Daily Show.
Now Smith won't shut up about his new film Red State. Plus his new movie with SETH ROGEN - YES ANOTHER ONE!!! When SMith hired nobody but Ben Affleck I was okay, now it seems Rogen is his new go to guy.
Maybe I just wish I could go back to the days of "Snootchie Bootchies"?
I always believed him to have an enormous following of abject worship and the only people who wanted to cause him harm were the religious nuts who were anti-Dogma. Way back when I met a good friend through Smith's work. One morning he came in late to work and explained he had to buy a copy of Mallrats. So instead of disciplining the guy I asked to borrow the movie. To which he said "Only if you watch Clerks first."
So, that very night, I rented Clerks and was blown away. Having spent years trying to come up with a film I thought I could make independently along comes this guy that does just that. However, he did it with such flair and genius that it set up home in my heart. Working in a video store (or retail in general) this film speaks to the few, the tired hard working people who have to deal with the inanities of life and work. All the while there is the constant balance of work and home and trying to measure the two.
Mallrats was given to me and I raced home to watch. It became a favorite immediately, once again speaking to that part of me I had never seen interpreted in film before. Just as Smith made Mallrats as his Animal House I wrote a movie called Poolgods to be my Mallrats.
Chasing Amy happened at a time when I was involved in an oddly similar situation. Even worse the situation ended the same - the girl walking away leaving me a hollow shell. I still watch the film with a pain inside for what could've been but either way I'm Affleck.
Dogma. The first film of Smith's that actually FELT like a film. A good one too. Sure a little disjointed and overly dialogued but still it was... well WHOLE. The characters had long arcs and twists to their being and the film relied heavily on emotion - played brilliantly by all the cast.
But then something happened. Something bad. Silent Bob wasn't silent anymore and Kevin Smith suddenly had a voice... about everything.
I couldn't open a magazine without Smith waxing lyrical about something or other and it built to a point where I stopped looking. I was scared I would start to hate him and in turn myself. See Kevin Smith was me but succesful, his voice had been heard and as all my scripts and ideas piled up it became more and more clear. It wasn't jealousy but I couldn't stand hearing Smith using cool expressions that seemed too young for him. "Flick" to describe a movie, "Cat" to describe a person... I cringed whenever I heard it.
Nevertheless I enjoyed Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back and Jersey Girl. I LOVED Jersey Girl. It was an amazing story and well written too but the performances were awesome. I'll save Affleck adulation for a later blog (My Affleck-tion - coming soon) but the young girl was incredible. Plus, like so many Smith films before it, this movie spoke to me now as a father.
I bought An Evening With Kevin Smith and watched it many times - one thing about the guy is he can damn well spin a yarn. I bought the second, Evening Harder, and then once again it fell apart. Whereas the first DVD was edited highlights of numerous shows, the second was two full shows. So all the bits that were not as good were left in and Smith just seemed to ramble on and on. Also every sentence (and if you own it go check) seems to end with "N'shit" - EVERY SENTENCE... seemingly.
This was just all I could take. I watched both shows getting more and more frustrated n'shit. But then his opinions were everywhere. To this day Smith shows up all over with his blog "My Boring Ass Life" reading like a big smug "I'm better than you" to everyone. I wish I could say not having to work a meandering 9-5/6 job and hanging out with every celebrity going just to enhance my name dropping skills is "boring".
Currently, Smith is touting his new film "Zack and Miri make a porno" and for the first time in a long time I cannot actually work up the excitement to see the film. I haven't even viewed the trailer mainly because of two things: More internet Smith news regarding the MPAA and Seth fucking Rogen.
Rogen just seems to be everywhere. Click on a website and it'll be full of ads for Pineapple Express, which is another film I don't care about. Look, he may be a lovely guy and a talented person but I don't like him. He exists as a person I just wouldn't get along with - especially after his weed advertising on The Daily Show.
Now Smith won't shut up about his new film Red State. Plus his new movie with SETH ROGEN - YES ANOTHER ONE!!! When SMith hired nobody but Ben Affleck I was okay, now it seems Rogen is his new go to guy.
Maybe I just wish I could go back to the days of "Snootchie Bootchies"?
Sunday, 7 September 2008
In regard to Ghostbusters III
Anyone who has read my Ghostbusters Two much blog may wonder what my opinion is on the news about Ghostbusters 3.
My word is "shit".
And my follow up is "Fuck Seth Rogen".
Now my one reader will be sated. And he is me anyway.
My word is "shit".
And my follow up is "Fuck Seth Rogen".
Now my one reader will be sated. And he is me anyway.
Horror Sucks (Now with added The Strangers!)
As you may be able to tell I'm not big on cinemagoing. It's partially down to the proliferation of Mobile Phones, the endless chit-chat from people who think because the sound is loud they have to TALK LOUDER and kids generally fucking around. However, one of the biggest reasons is - movies today generally suck.
I went through a stage from birth until a couple of years ago where I saw nothing but great films. Even if a movie wasn't great, the experience of seeing it with my friends was always good. Then came the run of horrible movies - Starsky and Hutch and Van Helsing for starters.
This is all a roundabouts way of filling you in on my sucky horror run. It featured Hack, P2, The Strangers and more.
Hack has an interesting idea but it's executed in the worst way. Plus it features one of my all time pet peeves - the shameless referencing of other movies. When done right it can be a clever in-joke for fans of the genre - case in point Final Destination's characters being named after Horror movie directors. When done wrong you get Hack. One of the most annoying things in film is when people sit around and talk about other (better) movies just succeeding in making you think - Yes, compared to them this film is horrid. Plus as a film fan I have had my fair share of conversations about movies but these guys take the idea way too far: The punk chick and the nerd, the quiet girl and the exchange student etc. all saying "So, what's your top ten Frankenstein movies?" and then some other saying "I like Young Frankenstein" and the response being "One of Mel Brooks finest films..."
What does this achieve? If you're writing a script and cut and pasting IMDB then you should quit now.
P2 wasn't actually too bad. It was very much in the vein of the remakes that pepper Hollywood although I don't believe it is (I don't use IMDB). The problem being Rachel Nichols. Not a major problem but more of a studio choice no doubt.
Her firm, supple breasts caused me to seriously not follow this film at all. Whereas it is an interesting choice to have them exposed throughout almost the entire film I seriously kept thinking about them instead of caring for her. Wes Bentley was quite good and it was different to see a psycho played by a good looking actor instead of him having a creepy deformity. But those breasts... One whole day on from watching the film and I can't NOT think about them. The ending was kinda odd too, normally the end being the heroine shoots the villain or blows him up, in P2 she LIGHTS THE GUY ON FIRE and WATCHES HIM BURN.
Jesus!
Rob Zombie's Halloween. Man it is crap. One hour of telling a story of a disturbed little boy (that REALLY didn't need telling) and another hour of trying to remake Halloween by... ahem... having all the females turn into sex obsessed sluts who talk like a horny 40 year old imagines young schoolgirls talk. I seriously believe Zombie wanted to make his own wank movie and this is what we got.
Plus what was with every random character with only 2-3 minutes of screentime being played by genre actors. Brad Dourif, Ken Foree, Dee Wallace, Udo Kier, Clint Howard, that hook nosed freaky guy who always looked like his skin was too tight. It just seems wasteful. Was Jeffrey Coombes unavailable or just sensible?
The dialogue and acting is horrific. Sherri Moon used to be great to look at but couldn't act and now she can't do either. Sure she's still kinda pretty but I'd prefer to see her try her hand at something NOT made by her husband.
Devil's Rejects on the other hand - pure genius and one of the best directed and written films ever. GO FIGURE!
And The Strangers. It was doing the rounds and had a quite interesting trailer that seemed creepy enough. However, it was more of the same. Villains that could disappear and reappear randomly without anyone noticing, stupid leads who at one point make the right choice by hiding in a corner of a dark room with one entrance holding a shotgun! Then after their dumb friend, seeing something is seriously messed up, walks into the house NOT turning off the record player and NOT shouting for his friends gets shot instead. Dumbass.
Then the man decides to go outside and leave the woman inside A HOUSE WE ALREADY KNOW ISN'T IMPERVIOUS! To which, despite HAVING A SHOTGUN, he is captured. These people are seriously too dumb to live. Plus Funny Games was much, much better.
As Halloween approaches I'll continue this hunt for a great horror film. Then I shall give up and watch [Rec] again.
I went through a stage from birth until a couple of years ago where I saw nothing but great films. Even if a movie wasn't great, the experience of seeing it with my friends was always good. Then came the run of horrible movies - Starsky and Hutch and Van Helsing for starters.
This is all a roundabouts way of filling you in on my sucky horror run. It featured Hack, P2, The Strangers and more.
Hack has an interesting idea but it's executed in the worst way. Plus it features one of my all time pet peeves - the shameless referencing of other movies. When done right it can be a clever in-joke for fans of the genre - case in point Final Destination's characters being named after Horror movie directors. When done wrong you get Hack. One of the most annoying things in film is when people sit around and talk about other (better) movies just succeeding in making you think - Yes, compared to them this film is horrid. Plus as a film fan I have had my fair share of conversations about movies but these guys take the idea way too far: The punk chick and the nerd, the quiet girl and the exchange student etc. all saying "So, what's your top ten Frankenstein movies?" and then some other saying "I like Young Frankenstein" and the response being "One of Mel Brooks finest films..."
What does this achieve? If you're writing a script and cut and pasting IMDB then you should quit now.
P2 wasn't actually too bad. It was very much in the vein of the remakes that pepper Hollywood although I don't believe it is (I don't use IMDB). The problem being Rachel Nichols. Not a major problem but more of a studio choice no doubt.
Her firm, supple breasts caused me to seriously not follow this film at all. Whereas it is an interesting choice to have them exposed throughout almost the entire film I seriously kept thinking about them instead of caring for her. Wes Bentley was quite good and it was different to see a psycho played by a good looking actor instead of him having a creepy deformity. But those breasts... One whole day on from watching the film and I can't NOT think about them. The ending was kinda odd too, normally the end being the heroine shoots the villain or blows him up, in P2 she LIGHTS THE GUY ON FIRE and WATCHES HIM BURN.
Jesus!
Rob Zombie's Halloween. Man it is crap. One hour of telling a story of a disturbed little boy (that REALLY didn't need telling) and another hour of trying to remake Halloween by... ahem... having all the females turn into sex obsessed sluts who talk like a horny 40 year old imagines young schoolgirls talk. I seriously believe Zombie wanted to make his own wank movie and this is what we got.
Plus what was with every random character with only 2-3 minutes of screentime being played by genre actors. Brad Dourif, Ken Foree, Dee Wallace, Udo Kier, Clint Howard, that hook nosed freaky guy who always looked like his skin was too tight. It just seems wasteful. Was Jeffrey Coombes unavailable or just sensible?
The dialogue and acting is horrific. Sherri Moon used to be great to look at but couldn't act and now she can't do either. Sure she's still kinda pretty but I'd prefer to see her try her hand at something NOT made by her husband.
Devil's Rejects on the other hand - pure genius and one of the best directed and written films ever. GO FIGURE!
And The Strangers. It was doing the rounds and had a quite interesting trailer that seemed creepy enough. However, it was more of the same. Villains that could disappear and reappear randomly without anyone noticing, stupid leads who at one point make the right choice by hiding in a corner of a dark room with one entrance holding a shotgun! Then after their dumb friend, seeing something is seriously messed up, walks into the house NOT turning off the record player and NOT shouting for his friends gets shot instead. Dumbass.
Then the man decides to go outside and leave the woman inside A HOUSE WE ALREADY KNOW ISN'T IMPERVIOUS! To which, despite HAVING A SHOTGUN, he is captured. These people are seriously too dumb to live. Plus Funny Games was much, much better.
As Halloween approaches I'll continue this hunt for a great horror film. Then I shall give up and watch [Rec] again.
Tuesday, 29 July 2008
I'd jump on The Dark Night bandwagon...
but the damn thing sped off weeks ago.
So yeah, I guess i'm late going all googly for TDK but a promise of free tickets was too good to waste. When the free tickets failed to materialise it was down to me to slap the £14 down to see this film.
Worth every penny. Well, worth £7 for myself but not the full £14 for both of us. Why? Not enough Bill Fichtner that's why... When is someone going to realise Bill Fichtner is one of the best actors out there. In fact if they decided to remake Dirty Harry I would be pissed unless Fichtner was onboard in the title role.
I digress, as usual, I could say TDK is THE best superhero film out there. Is it better than Superman The Movie? Well, yeah but it isn't in the same league. It's NOT a superhero film but an incredible crime drama and morality play. Whereas some have been critical over the dialogue (idiots) I have to say that this movie succeeds in it's tone and speech more than as an action film.
Oddly though it fails as a sequel to Batman Begins. It's almost like 2 totally different worlds from 2 entirely different franchises. I may need to see BB again but I know i'm right.
So yeah, I guess i'm late going all googly for TDK but a promise of free tickets was too good to waste. When the free tickets failed to materialise it was down to me to slap the £14 down to see this film.
Worth every penny. Well, worth £7 for myself but not the full £14 for both of us. Why? Not enough Bill Fichtner that's why... When is someone going to realise Bill Fichtner is one of the best actors out there. In fact if they decided to remake Dirty Harry I would be pissed unless Fichtner was onboard in the title role.
I digress, as usual, I could say TDK is THE best superhero film out there. Is it better than Superman The Movie? Well, yeah but it isn't in the same league. It's NOT a superhero film but an incredible crime drama and morality play. Whereas some have been critical over the dialogue (idiots) I have to say that this movie succeeds in it's tone and speech more than as an action film.
Oddly though it fails as a sequel to Batman Begins. It's almost like 2 totally different worlds from 2 entirely different franchises. I may need to see BB again but I know i'm right.
Saturday, 12 July 2008
Seething Hatred says: Ghostbusters Two... much?
I can't remember how I became enraptured by Ghostbusters. I was 7 at the time. It was probably either my father or Ray Parker Jr's theme song that decided it. But even before the movie was released I was a fan. I had a poster on my wall - one that only showed the Terror Dogs - and had bought the single played on endless loop on my record player. I had the game for the Spectrum which I played religiously for hours at a time and all this BEFORE the movie was released.
Obviously seeing the film was the real kicker. Still holding up today it was the greatest mix of different elements. Ivan Reitman has tried numerous times to capture the spirit (no pun intended) of the film with Evolution and My Super Ex-Girlfriend, as has Columbia with Men In Black. But none of these could replace Ghostbusters as the phenomenon it was and still is.
I had all the merchandise I could get my paws on and the cartoon series was the pinnacle of 80's cartoons and my own obsession. Yeah... OBSESSION! I was hooked on every aspect of the film even going as far as to study the paranormal with extreme force, essentially turning myself into what the Fox Mulder would become. If you look back at my school photos you will see me, age unknown, smiling while proudly displaying a Ghostbusters "No Ghosts" sweater. I could draw all the characters as well as do passable impersonations of the cartoon counterparts. Even worse getting my hands on my sister's razor I attempted to give myself a receeding hairline like my idol Bill Murray (if only i'd waited until now when I'm getting my own.
1989 was the best year. With Indy 3 and Back To The Future II coming soon, as well as a sequel to Ghostbusters, it was by far one of the best years to be a film fan. I, once more, began snapping up merchandise now labelled with the Ghostbusters II logo. I would watch the trailer on constant repeat saying the line "Sometimes, weird things happens and someone has to deal with it. So who you gonna call?" along with Murray. I was in heaven.
I remember taking the day off school to go see the film with my grandad. Looking back through those rose tinted glasses it was one of the best days ever.
Years later, I still would watch Ghostbusters and the cartoons I had taped religiously. I had grown and so my obsession had wavered. I had collected comics, action figures and lunchboxes. The only thing I didn't have was the Proton Pack as it was too small for me. The cartoons had huge replay value mainly due to the writers excellent stories. They certainly weren't afraid of having to pull punches as in the episode "Knock, Knock" where you genuinely believe the GB's are gonna die and "Slimer, come home" with one of the scariest villains in it's history.
Then there was Ghostbusters II. I had it on video and had watched it once or twice and each viewing had left me colder than the last. I still feel that way today, in fact it was on TV not long ago and after five minutes I switched it off. Why? This is why...
5 YEARS LATER...
...goes the tagline. Of course they are right and so I expected the Ghostbusters had fallen on harder times but didn't expect what had actually happened. There is Dana with HER BABY! Kiss of death for any franchise - throw in a fucking kid! After some tosh about a runaway buggy and some lame shots of the baby bouncing around all is well. As well as this film is going to be.
Ray and Winston pull up at a posh house and we're led to believe they're about to face something scary and awesome. Well, it is scary watching a bunch of lame child actors running around screaming HE-MAN! See they are hired to be the entertainment at a kids birthday party all because the company is bust and there are no more hauntings plus they were sued by New York for damages caused in the first film.
This is my RULE NUMBER ONE for sequels: DON'T FUCK WITH THE ORIGINAL! Once you establish a good, happy ending don't start the next one with "Oh everything turned sour." Now I can't watch Ghostbusters ONE without thinking "And then they get sued." To add insult to the many insults placed on Winston Zeddemore he is shown as the only Ghostbuster who doesn't have a job. Peter hosts a tv show, Ray owns a book shop and Egon is a researcher. Winston... well he goes to kids parties with Ray and dances for peanuts. Why is Ray doing this anyway? A simple line to show he was trying to keep the dream alive would be nice - otherwise he just looks pathetic.
So Dana is worried (and not because he overly homosexual boss is hitting on her) and goes to see Egon and Ray regarding the pushchair incident. Peter goes along and we find out, after GB1, Dana left him because he acted like a prick. Typical woman - you risk your life and the safety of thousands by blowing a hole in this dimension and all it takes is one misplaced comment and they're off. We then start the "Ooh Baby" scenes that will appear sporadically throughout the film. By this point even as a kid I noticed none of the guys smoked anymore. In the first I don't think a scene went past where nobody had a smoke. Memories of Winston saying "That's a big Twinkie" while blowing out enormous quantities of smoke had probably turned me to smoking but WTF? This coupled with inane baby chatter had already pushed me too far.
So long story short - they investigate and find a river of slime which feeds of negativity (audience reactions) and are arrested for doing stupid brooklyn accents to police men. Egon is called Ziggy and says "Yo!" in possibly one strong reason to break the pinky of Harold Ramis. In court an angry judge shouts until ghosts appear. I was angry too as my favorite trailer line now replaced "weird things happen" with "shit happens" and unfamiliar with the slogan I just felt it unnecessary. So they trap the ghosts and immediately set up the business.
On the basis of TWO ghosts. With NO capital. Plus the fact NOTHING seems to have happened in the last 5 years wan't this risky? So they have all new outfits and weapons and, most annoyingly, they have the new "No Ghost II" logo on the car, the firehouse and their uniforms. For US, THE VIEWER, to have a ghost holding up 2 fingers makes sense but for them in the film? They don't answer the phones "Hello Ghostbusters Two!" So for that I call "BULLSHIT!" Plus their phone number, 555 2368, is now JL5-2020. That is also crap. Dunno why.
So, Dana's gay boss is taken over by an evil painting who wants Dana's baby so he can... ah forget it. After her bathtub tries to eat her she goes to Peter's where he proceeds to go all "Ooh Baby" with the kid. BILL MURRAY!! I thought that man had balls. Ray and Egon further investigate the slime and find out it reacts to emotions. Winston vanishes having not being involved in the court scene and only showing up in a montage. When he returns it's to watch a dancing toaster.
Ernie Hudson has appeared in some great films. Most notible was his turn in Hand That Rocks The Cradle and to a lesser extent The Crow. In this film he is there in order to make up the numbers. I remember seeing interviews where the cast and crew were overjoyed at how they got all the cast back. Seriously did we really need Rick Moranis back. He gets more screentime plus his own scenes! After the dancing toaster Winston is gone AGAIN only to return when they need someone to be run over by a phantom train. Possibly the most degrading scene turning the hard as hell character (the muscle of the team) into a screaming girl.
So the mayor's aide lock them up to shut them up while all over the city ghosts start turning up. Louis and Janine are babysitting the brat. Now I haven't mentioned Janine yet but this is the scene where it hurts the most. I crushed on Annie Potts in GB1. I thought she was "all that" mainly because she had short hair which suited her beautiful face. In the cartoon series the funky version became another childhood crush. Something about her hairstyle and short skirts was arousing for a boy hitting puberty. GB2 Janine looks like a joke. Her hair is offensive even by 80's standards and she has gone from a strong, independant, straight laced woman to a quirky, quite dumb, slutty girl. Would the original Janine put a baby to sleep using franchbread pizza? Or thrown herself at Louis Tully? At least it gives Rick Moranis more screentime eh? Ohhh...
Anyway, Dana's baby gets kidnapped. As she climbs out of the window just watch Moranis shove his head out knocking her arm. Not the wisest thing to do when someone you know is venturing out onto a ledge above a massive drop. She goes to museum, slime wall appears, Ghostbusters freed blah blah. Winston gets his fifth line (fifth AUDIBLE) and hey realize they have to make everyone in New York happy to crack the negative energy shell.
This is the one clever idea in the whole film but it doesn't work. Wether it's bad special effects or no actual sense of urgency watching the Statue of Liberty plodding down the street it doesn't jibe. They were trying to top the Stay Puft Marshmallow man but fail and even then, in 1989, I saw the strings, that glimpse into the backstage world. It was obvious that the Ghostbusters weren't shouting at the crowd but were on a soundstage in a fake head mock up. Gone was the excitement and the feeling of watching something cool. Instead I was cheated and it got worse once they finally breach the museum. Vigo steps out of the painting and is soon forced back in where he takes a more demonic visage. Then he posseses Ray - a deleted scene earlier would've explained this a bit more - but instead we have Ray pointlessly walking RIGHT UP to the evil painting. Okayyyyy, still not as lame as Vigo paralysing the GB's giving Bill Murray mugging time to PG smack talk the baddie.
Ray is slimed and the guys fire protons at the painting and Vigo dies. Anti - fucking - climactic. The painting is revealed to have been originally four guys watching over a baby. The guys look like the Ghostbusters. WWWWHHHAAATTT!!!
All in all Ghostbusters II is horrific. I honestly would never watch this film again which is a shame. In fact in order to write this I STILL didn't watch the film, instead I used the seething bitter memories I still hold in my dark part of my brain. The first Ghostbusters was real world, smoking, drinking, swearing and horror whereas Ghostbusters II is a kids film and removes all of it. As a kid I had no idea what a "pecker" was or what "Dickless" meant. Lines like "I want you inside me" and "We get this guy laid we got no problem" swooshed by my precocious mind doing no discernable damage. It was only on catching the film on DVD when it was released that the movie was unlocked fully - also it was 2:35.1 which meant it even LOOKED like a different film.
I am glad Ghostbusters 3 will never be made. From what I heard it sounded worse than this anyway. Hellbent had a story that would have pushed back the real world side and just played on the fantastic. The guys develop goggles that can see another world running parallel to our own - a vision of Hell that sounded like it could have severe fright potential. Then I heard that the film would be a vehicle to have a new, younger group of Ghostbusters to take over. Younger? Bill Murray was 34 and he was a 7 year olds idol! In fact ALL my heroes were older and in their mid to late 30's so why do people think heroes have to be teens these days? Harrison Ford kicked ass in Indy 4 and Bruce Willis can still crush a head or two.
Ah Hollywood, will you ever learn.
Obviously seeing the film was the real kicker. Still holding up today it was the greatest mix of different elements. Ivan Reitman has tried numerous times to capture the spirit (no pun intended) of the film with Evolution and My Super Ex-Girlfriend, as has Columbia with Men In Black. But none of these could replace Ghostbusters as the phenomenon it was and still is.
I had all the merchandise I could get my paws on and the cartoon series was the pinnacle of 80's cartoons and my own obsession. Yeah... OBSESSION! I was hooked on every aspect of the film even going as far as to study the paranormal with extreme force, essentially turning myself into what the Fox Mulder would become. If you look back at my school photos you will see me, age unknown, smiling while proudly displaying a Ghostbusters "No Ghosts" sweater. I could draw all the characters as well as do passable impersonations of the cartoon counterparts. Even worse getting my hands on my sister's razor I attempted to give myself a receeding hairline like my idol Bill Murray (if only i'd waited until now when I'm getting my own.
1989 was the best year. With Indy 3 and Back To The Future II coming soon, as well as a sequel to Ghostbusters, it was by far one of the best years to be a film fan. I, once more, began snapping up merchandise now labelled with the Ghostbusters II logo. I would watch the trailer on constant repeat saying the line "Sometimes, weird things happens and someone has to deal with it. So who you gonna call?" along with Murray. I was in heaven.
I remember taking the day off school to go see the film with my grandad. Looking back through those rose tinted glasses it was one of the best days ever.
Years later, I still would watch Ghostbusters and the cartoons I had taped religiously. I had grown and so my obsession had wavered. I had collected comics, action figures and lunchboxes. The only thing I didn't have was the Proton Pack as it was too small for me. The cartoons had huge replay value mainly due to the writers excellent stories. They certainly weren't afraid of having to pull punches as in the episode "Knock, Knock" where you genuinely believe the GB's are gonna die and "Slimer, come home" with one of the scariest villains in it's history.
Then there was Ghostbusters II. I had it on video and had watched it once or twice and each viewing had left me colder than the last. I still feel that way today, in fact it was on TV not long ago and after five minutes I switched it off. Why? This is why...
5 YEARS LATER...
...goes the tagline. Of course they are right and so I expected the Ghostbusters had fallen on harder times but didn't expect what had actually happened. There is Dana with HER BABY! Kiss of death for any franchise - throw in a fucking kid! After some tosh about a runaway buggy and some lame shots of the baby bouncing around all is well. As well as this film is going to be.
Ray and Winston pull up at a posh house and we're led to believe they're about to face something scary and awesome. Well, it is scary watching a bunch of lame child actors running around screaming HE-MAN! See they are hired to be the entertainment at a kids birthday party all because the company is bust and there are no more hauntings plus they were sued by New York for damages caused in the first film.
This is my RULE NUMBER ONE for sequels: DON'T FUCK WITH THE ORIGINAL! Once you establish a good, happy ending don't start the next one with "Oh everything turned sour." Now I can't watch Ghostbusters ONE without thinking "And then they get sued." To add insult to the many insults placed on Winston Zeddemore he is shown as the only Ghostbuster who doesn't have a job. Peter hosts a tv show, Ray owns a book shop and Egon is a researcher. Winston... well he goes to kids parties with Ray and dances for peanuts. Why is Ray doing this anyway? A simple line to show he was trying to keep the dream alive would be nice - otherwise he just looks pathetic.
So Dana is worried (and not because he overly homosexual boss is hitting on her) and goes to see Egon and Ray regarding the pushchair incident. Peter goes along and we find out, after GB1, Dana left him because he acted like a prick. Typical woman - you risk your life and the safety of thousands by blowing a hole in this dimension and all it takes is one misplaced comment and they're off. We then start the "Ooh Baby" scenes that will appear sporadically throughout the film. By this point even as a kid I noticed none of the guys smoked anymore. In the first I don't think a scene went past where nobody had a smoke. Memories of Winston saying "That's a big Twinkie" while blowing out enormous quantities of smoke had probably turned me to smoking but WTF? This coupled with inane baby chatter had already pushed me too far.
So long story short - they investigate and find a river of slime which feeds of negativity (audience reactions) and are arrested for doing stupid brooklyn accents to police men. Egon is called Ziggy and says "Yo!" in possibly one strong reason to break the pinky of Harold Ramis. In court an angry judge shouts until ghosts appear. I was angry too as my favorite trailer line now replaced "weird things happen" with "shit happens" and unfamiliar with the slogan I just felt it unnecessary. So they trap the ghosts and immediately set up the business.
On the basis of TWO ghosts. With NO capital. Plus the fact NOTHING seems to have happened in the last 5 years wan't this risky? So they have all new outfits and weapons and, most annoyingly, they have the new "No Ghost II" logo on the car, the firehouse and their uniforms. For US, THE VIEWER, to have a ghost holding up 2 fingers makes sense but for them in the film? They don't answer the phones "Hello Ghostbusters Two!" So for that I call "BULLSHIT!" Plus their phone number, 555 2368, is now JL5-2020. That is also crap. Dunno why.
So, Dana's gay boss is taken over by an evil painting who wants Dana's baby so he can... ah forget it. After her bathtub tries to eat her she goes to Peter's where he proceeds to go all "Ooh Baby" with the kid. BILL MURRAY!! I thought that man had balls. Ray and Egon further investigate the slime and find out it reacts to emotions. Winston vanishes having not being involved in the court scene and only showing up in a montage. When he returns it's to watch a dancing toaster.
Ernie Hudson has appeared in some great films. Most notible was his turn in Hand That Rocks The Cradle and to a lesser extent The Crow. In this film he is there in order to make up the numbers. I remember seeing interviews where the cast and crew were overjoyed at how they got all the cast back. Seriously did we really need Rick Moranis back. He gets more screentime plus his own scenes! After the dancing toaster Winston is gone AGAIN only to return when they need someone to be run over by a phantom train. Possibly the most degrading scene turning the hard as hell character (the muscle of the team) into a screaming girl.
So the mayor's aide lock them up to shut them up while all over the city ghosts start turning up. Louis and Janine are babysitting the brat. Now I haven't mentioned Janine yet but this is the scene where it hurts the most. I crushed on Annie Potts in GB1. I thought she was "all that" mainly because she had short hair which suited her beautiful face. In the cartoon series the funky version became another childhood crush. Something about her hairstyle and short skirts was arousing for a boy hitting puberty. GB2 Janine looks like a joke. Her hair is offensive even by 80's standards and she has gone from a strong, independant, straight laced woman to a quirky, quite dumb, slutty girl. Would the original Janine put a baby to sleep using franchbread pizza? Or thrown herself at Louis Tully? At least it gives Rick Moranis more screentime eh? Ohhh...
Anyway, Dana's baby gets kidnapped. As she climbs out of the window just watch Moranis shove his head out knocking her arm. Not the wisest thing to do when someone you know is venturing out onto a ledge above a massive drop. She goes to museum, slime wall appears, Ghostbusters freed blah blah. Winston gets his fifth line (fifth AUDIBLE) and hey realize they have to make everyone in New York happy to crack the negative energy shell.
This is the one clever idea in the whole film but it doesn't work. Wether it's bad special effects or no actual sense of urgency watching the Statue of Liberty plodding down the street it doesn't jibe. They were trying to top the Stay Puft Marshmallow man but fail and even then, in 1989, I saw the strings, that glimpse into the backstage world. It was obvious that the Ghostbusters weren't shouting at the crowd but were on a soundstage in a fake head mock up. Gone was the excitement and the feeling of watching something cool. Instead I was cheated and it got worse once they finally breach the museum. Vigo steps out of the painting and is soon forced back in where he takes a more demonic visage. Then he posseses Ray - a deleted scene earlier would've explained this a bit more - but instead we have Ray pointlessly walking RIGHT UP to the evil painting. Okayyyyy, still not as lame as Vigo paralysing the GB's giving Bill Murray mugging time to PG smack talk the baddie.
Ray is slimed and the guys fire protons at the painting and Vigo dies. Anti - fucking - climactic. The painting is revealed to have been originally four guys watching over a baby. The guys look like the Ghostbusters. WWWWHHHAAATTT!!!
All in all Ghostbusters II is horrific. I honestly would never watch this film again which is a shame. In fact in order to write this I STILL didn't watch the film, instead I used the seething bitter memories I still hold in my dark part of my brain. The first Ghostbusters was real world, smoking, drinking, swearing and horror whereas Ghostbusters II is a kids film and removes all of it. As a kid I had no idea what a "pecker" was or what "Dickless" meant. Lines like "I want you inside me" and "We get this guy laid we got no problem" swooshed by my precocious mind doing no discernable damage. It was only on catching the film on DVD when it was released that the movie was unlocked fully - also it was 2:35.1 which meant it even LOOKED like a different film.
I am glad Ghostbusters 3 will never be made. From what I heard it sounded worse than this anyway. Hellbent had a story that would have pushed back the real world side and just played on the fantastic. The guys develop goggles that can see another world running parallel to our own - a vision of Hell that sounded like it could have severe fright potential. Then I heard that the film would be a vehicle to have a new, younger group of Ghostbusters to take over. Younger? Bill Murray was 34 and he was a 7 year olds idol! In fact ALL my heroes were older and in their mid to late 30's so why do people think heroes have to be teens these days? Harrison Ford kicked ass in Indy 4 and Bruce Willis can still crush a head or two.
Ah Hollywood, will you ever learn.
Monday, 7 July 2008
And as you can see... I'm a lot happier!
Never were truer words spoken in regard to the Joker. Despite the love and adoration placed on Batman, and inparticular Jack Nicholson's Joker, I never really "got it". Sure I am a Batman fan but, despite Michael Keaton's performance, I hated how "British" Gotham looked and how UK actors popped up with phony american accents. Robert Wuhl was so annoying and Kim Basinger... well she was my teenage masturbatory aid so all is forgiven.
But the Joker? The make-up looked ridiculous, his acting was dire and his "wacky" performance was as forced as his waistline. See I remember the joker being thin and so always believed the greatest actor to play him would be Richard E Grant.
How wrong was I? Having seen the first 5 minutes that have been floating around, already I cannot see any other person inhabiting the Joker as Heath Ledger. I've never liked Heath in film except Brokeback Mountain and so I held little hope for The Dark Knight. Now I am as giddy as a little boy discovering his first Kim Basinger sex scene... ahem.
But the Joker? The make-up looked ridiculous, his acting was dire and his "wacky" performance was as forced as his waistline. See I remember the joker being thin and so always believed the greatest actor to play him would be Richard E Grant.
How wrong was I? Having seen the first 5 minutes that have been floating around, already I cannot see any other person inhabiting the Joker as Heath Ledger. I've never liked Heath in film except Brokeback Mountain and so I held little hope for The Dark Knight. Now I am as giddy as a little boy discovering his first Kim Basinger sex scene... ahem.
In Defence Of Dross #1 - The Happening
I have a sickness. I like movies other people deem terrible, hence In Defence Of Dross where I stand up for those movies people would rather rectally breach.
M. Night Shyamalan was once a god to me. Sixth Sense was suberbly crafted storytelling - a horror movie that was really a romantic tragedy. It will forever be remembered for it's twist ending but I guessed the day before I saw it what the ending was and so I was just caught up in the majesty of the film. He was compared to Hitchcock and Spielberg but he will always be "Night" to me. A genius.
Then followed by Unbreakable. A mystery that was really a Superhero origin story. Of all his films I would love to see a sequel to this one. The story of David Dunn still must continue and who knows what real world monsters he could take down? Then came Signs, an epic story of Alien invasion that is really a treatise on faith. One of the most amazing films and an amazing performance by Gibson. And that is Shyamalan's real strength. His dialogue can be too quirky and his films quite slow paced but he gets a performance out of actors you haven't seen too much depth to previously. Bruce Willis was a smug action hero as was Mel Gibson until suddenly they were acting... WITH A VENGEANCE!
Sadly, all good things etc. The Village was a fail immediately. Knowing Night cameos in all his films how would he pull one off in a movie with a totally white cast... unless it's actually present day? Twist blown and the film didn't hold up anyway. Bryce Dallas Howard may be a pretty hot Gwen Stacy but in everything else she gives me the shivers. Lady In The Water was something different and is saved by Paul Giamatti's performance but seriously although I liked it I couldn't tell you one thing about it now. Except something about Grass Dogs... I dunno.
So I was quite pleased to see the trailer for The Happening looking like it was Night doing what he does best. Providing a huge mystery then yanking the rug out from under you. Knowing I probably wouldn't get round to it at the cinema sucked and so I read all the online reviews... and they were savage! Nobody posted one redeeming feature and a friend of mine tore it a new one when she told me about the film. Two words jumped out from most reviews - "Killer Trees" - a bad, bad sign. Plus I hate Mark Whalberg, who told him to become an actor anyway? Clive Owen's agent?
So I sat back to finally watch it and... well, 30 minutes of the film had passed and I found myself liking Whalberg's performance. The beautiful Zooey Deschanel was on wide eyed perfection form again and John Leguizamo (forever Luigi in Super Mario Bros) was fantastic. I genuinely began caring about them as characters (another Night staple - slow build everything so you really get to know the people) and became concerned at who would survive. Plus the Killer Trees aspect was so well done - a toxin in the wind doing for a light breeze what Hitchcock did for showers.
The suicides were quite unsettling, panning from a row of ladders up to the people that had hung themselves from them was a kicker. For a guy who isn't easily shocked or scared this film put me through my paces. It was tense for the most part, my heart trying to force itself out of my chest for the majority of the flick, and sweet in others. The relationship between Marky Mark and Zooey was well crafted and their relationship reblossoming was a sweet sight to see in the midst of all the horror.
My one and only gripe against this film was the most pointless piece of product placement imaginable - an old lady shows Marky a video her friend sent her of a suicide. They gather round her IPHONE! She's not the type who would have run out to get one of those extortionate beauties so why didn't they just cast a younger woman to make the situation a little more believable?
Best part of the film: Mr Funky Bunch making up a story to try to get back at his wife for having dinner with another guy. Or is it the scene where he tries to bargain with a tree in a house to grant him and his family safe passage? The scene almost made me groan until he realised the tree was plastic - INSTANT COMEDY GOLD!
All in all I recommend The Happening highly. Just watch with an open mind and appreciate the fun. Honestly, I just want ONE other bloody person on the planet to agree with me on it!?
The Defence rests...
Until next time.
Next Defence: Bullseye!
M. Night Shyamalan was once a god to me. Sixth Sense was suberbly crafted storytelling - a horror movie that was really a romantic tragedy. It will forever be remembered for it's twist ending but I guessed the day before I saw it what the ending was and so I was just caught up in the majesty of the film. He was compared to Hitchcock and Spielberg but he will always be "Night" to me. A genius.
Then followed by Unbreakable. A mystery that was really a Superhero origin story. Of all his films I would love to see a sequel to this one. The story of David Dunn still must continue and who knows what real world monsters he could take down? Then came Signs, an epic story of Alien invasion that is really a treatise on faith. One of the most amazing films and an amazing performance by Gibson. And that is Shyamalan's real strength. His dialogue can be too quirky and his films quite slow paced but he gets a performance out of actors you haven't seen too much depth to previously. Bruce Willis was a smug action hero as was Mel Gibson until suddenly they were acting... WITH A VENGEANCE!
Sadly, all good things etc. The Village was a fail immediately. Knowing Night cameos in all his films how would he pull one off in a movie with a totally white cast... unless it's actually present day? Twist blown and the film didn't hold up anyway. Bryce Dallas Howard may be a pretty hot Gwen Stacy but in everything else she gives me the shivers. Lady In The Water was something different and is saved by Paul Giamatti's performance but seriously although I liked it I couldn't tell you one thing about it now. Except something about Grass Dogs... I dunno.
So I was quite pleased to see the trailer for The Happening looking like it was Night doing what he does best. Providing a huge mystery then yanking the rug out from under you. Knowing I probably wouldn't get round to it at the cinema sucked and so I read all the online reviews... and they were savage! Nobody posted one redeeming feature and a friend of mine tore it a new one when she told me about the film. Two words jumped out from most reviews - "Killer Trees" - a bad, bad sign. Plus I hate Mark Whalberg, who told him to become an actor anyway? Clive Owen's agent?
So I sat back to finally watch it and... well, 30 minutes of the film had passed and I found myself liking Whalberg's performance. The beautiful Zooey Deschanel was on wide eyed perfection form again and John Leguizamo (forever Luigi in Super Mario Bros) was fantastic. I genuinely began caring about them as characters (another Night staple - slow build everything so you really get to know the people) and became concerned at who would survive. Plus the Killer Trees aspect was so well done - a toxin in the wind doing for a light breeze what Hitchcock did for showers.
The suicides were quite unsettling, panning from a row of ladders up to the people that had hung themselves from them was a kicker. For a guy who isn't easily shocked or scared this film put me through my paces. It was tense for the most part, my heart trying to force itself out of my chest for the majority of the flick, and sweet in others. The relationship between Marky Mark and Zooey was well crafted and their relationship reblossoming was a sweet sight to see in the midst of all the horror.
My one and only gripe against this film was the most pointless piece of product placement imaginable - an old lady shows Marky a video her friend sent her of a suicide. They gather round her IPHONE! She's not the type who would have run out to get one of those extortionate beauties so why didn't they just cast a younger woman to make the situation a little more believable?
Best part of the film: Mr Funky Bunch making up a story to try to get back at his wife for having dinner with another guy. Or is it the scene where he tries to bargain with a tree in a house to grant him and his family safe passage? The scene almost made me groan until he realised the tree was plastic - INSTANT COMEDY GOLD!
All in all I recommend The Happening highly. Just watch with an open mind and appreciate the fun. Honestly, I just want ONE other bloody person on the planet to agree with me on it!?
The Defence rests...
Until next time.
Next Defence: Bullseye!
Friday, 4 July 2008
Do you remember The A-Team movie?
I search high and low endlessly for someone to have mentioned this before me but nobody ever has. Well, I typed it into Google and looked at the first 2 responses. I just don't have patience. Anyway...
In '99 David O' Russell made Three Kings. Being a Clooney fan I was cinema bound and walked out knowing I had seen something good. I immediately bought the DVD and watched it a further couple of times to satisfy a curious nagging doubt I had inside my head.
Eventually it hit me like a tonne of pimps: Three Kings IS the backstory to an A-Team Movie.
Clooney is the head of the group, Archie Gates. The brainchild who organises the plans and keeps his cool. Essentially he is the Hannibal Smith of the movie (and who wouldn't dream of him taking that role if offered?)
Marky Mark plays Troy Barlow, family man FACEd with torture. Okay, that was flimsy but in some weird world women are attracted to His Funkyness. Odd considering he looks like a mongoloid and and android had a childoid. But whatever.
Ice Cube plays... Ice Cube. He blathers on about a ring of Jesus fire - a condition my local Chinese Takeaway has given me on more than one occasion with it's Onion Rings. But as a black gentlemen and his (apparently not Fat) build he is the BA substitute.
Finally Spike Jonze plays Conrad Vig, a cracker with a passion for shooting guns. He is the Murdock of the group - not much rolling around in his head at all. The only thing that flaws my already usually flawed logic is that he dies. Ho - hum.
But it isn't just the characters that sell the A-Team idea. Anyone who remembers the opening narration will be familiar with:
"In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison for a crime they didn't commit..."
In the film they do commit the crime - stealing Gold, however, the crime the A-Team had commited was ALSO stealing Gold but during the Vietnam War.
And as the movie drawers to a conclusion we see the men out of the army life and in steady jobs. Clooney works in the movies.... JUST like Hannibal in the original series.
I doubt these are coincidences but I can only hope if the ACTUAL A-Team film gets made it's even half as daring and entertaining as Three Kings.
In '99 David O' Russell made Three Kings. Being a Clooney fan I was cinema bound and walked out knowing I had seen something good. I immediately bought the DVD and watched it a further couple of times to satisfy a curious nagging doubt I had inside my head.
Eventually it hit me like a tonne of pimps: Three Kings IS the backstory to an A-Team Movie.
Clooney is the head of the group, Archie Gates. The brainchild who organises the plans and keeps his cool. Essentially he is the Hannibal Smith of the movie (and who wouldn't dream of him taking that role if offered?)
Marky Mark plays Troy Barlow, family man FACEd with torture. Okay, that was flimsy but in some weird world women are attracted to His Funkyness. Odd considering he looks like a mongoloid and and android had a childoid. But whatever.
Ice Cube plays... Ice Cube. He blathers on about a ring of Jesus fire - a condition my local Chinese Takeaway has given me on more than one occasion with it's Onion Rings. But as a black gentlemen and his (apparently not Fat) build he is the BA substitute.
Finally Spike Jonze plays Conrad Vig, a cracker with a passion for shooting guns. He is the Murdock of the group - not much rolling around in his head at all. The only thing that flaws my already usually flawed logic is that he dies. Ho - hum.
But it isn't just the characters that sell the A-Team idea. Anyone who remembers the opening narration will be familiar with:
"In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison for a crime they didn't commit..."
In the film they do commit the crime - stealing Gold, however, the crime the A-Team had commited was ALSO stealing Gold but during the Vietnam War.
And as the movie drawers to a conclusion we see the men out of the army life and in steady jobs. Clooney works in the movies.... JUST like Hannibal in the original series.
I doubt these are coincidences but I can only hope if the ACTUAL A-Team film gets made it's even half as daring and entertaining as Three Kings.
Tom Cruise Vs Jesus Christ
When the time of reckoning is upon us... when the final tally is carried out... when good and evil find out who was the true ruler of Earth... the battle will not be judged on souls... but on BOX OFFICE IMPACT!!!
In the Blue corner, hailing from Bethlehem Nazareth, The Stigmata Stomper himself... JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY OF NAZARETH!
Aaaand in the red corner, 25 years in the Biz and still going strong... The Spooky Scientologist! TOM CRUUUUUUUUUUUUUISE!
Jesus has made some movies that while stylistically have been impressive the story was weak sauce. His Directors include Martin Scorcese and Mel Gibson and his legion of "fans" are literally willing to kill for him.
Cruise however made Mission: Impossible. Despite it's critical attacks it stands as one of the awesomest films ever made.
So all this hoo-ha over Tom Cruise selling scientology to the masses is making big news. And so it should - it's not every day a big budget Hollywood actor mouths off about aliens and such. But in the end it's made me realise something important.
Scientology is scoffed at because it involves an evil space emperor and a giant volcano. But is it THAT much more ridiculous than a guy who could walk on water and the prospect of a floaty place in the clouds we go when we die?
Scientology has made one thing abundantly clear: All religion is dumb as shit. Most people are open to the idea of alien life so why not Xenu?
I have to admire the man's balls though. Being so outspoken regarding our imminent demise by evil forces despite having to maintain a reputation in the fickle politics of celebrity.
In the end the war between Tom Cruise and Jesus Christ Almighty as Nazareth boils down to one thing and one thing alone... so who has the biggest draw at the box office?
Sorry Jesus. Xenu kicks your ass.
In the Blue corner, hailing from Bethlehem Nazareth, The Stigmata Stomper himself... JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY OF NAZARETH!
Aaaand in the red corner, 25 years in the Biz and still going strong... The Spooky Scientologist! TOM CRUUUUUUUUUUUUUISE!
Jesus has made some movies that while stylistically have been impressive the story was weak sauce. His Directors include Martin Scorcese and Mel Gibson and his legion of "fans" are literally willing to kill for him.
Cruise however made Mission: Impossible. Despite it's critical attacks it stands as one of the awesomest films ever made.
So all this hoo-ha over Tom Cruise selling scientology to the masses is making big news. And so it should - it's not every day a big budget Hollywood actor mouths off about aliens and such. But in the end it's made me realise something important.
Scientology is scoffed at because it involves an evil space emperor and a giant volcano. But is it THAT much more ridiculous than a guy who could walk on water and the prospect of a floaty place in the clouds we go when we die?
Scientology has made one thing abundantly clear: All religion is dumb as shit. Most people are open to the idea of alien life so why not Xenu?
I have to admire the man's balls though. Being so outspoken regarding our imminent demise by evil forces despite having to maintain a reputation in the fickle politics of celebrity.
In the end the war between Tom Cruise and Jesus Christ Almighty as Nazareth boils down to one thing and one thing alone... so who has the biggest draw at the box office?
Sorry Jesus. Xenu kicks your ass.
Clive Owen - it's his fault!
Is there anyone on this planet as lucky as Clive Owen?
For one of the blandest human beings on this hunk of rock he certainly seems to be getting away with his extreme mediocrity. Not the best looking of men and certainly lacking in the acting department, he seems to get plum roles in big movies and then ruin them for me.
I probably would've been a complete nerd for Sin City if it wasn't for his involvement. I have seen very few films he's been in based upon my... hatred is a harsh word, hmmm... annoyance! I was so concerned he was going to end up as Bond I almost cried. Hell, I'd prefer Jason Statham to be the next Bond but then again I love JS but I don't know why.
So with limited talent how does Owen's star still ascend. The true Hero in this tale is his agent.
I used to goof that his agent was the ultimate salesman. Picture the scene: It's a sunny Hollywood day and Johnny Producer is pouring over resume's for every actor and actress in town. In bursts Clive Owen's agent...
COA: I hear your looking for someone to play the elderly grandmother in the new Mike Nichols film?
JP: Um... sure?
COA: Two words for you - "Clive Owen"
JP: Well, I just don't see how...
COA: Lemme put it to you this way... "Clive OWEN!"
JP: Hmm, I dunno.
COA: cliveowen
JP: Okay get him in.
COA: Awesome! Oh and about the sequel to Cloverfield? The monster in the film? I got two words for you...
Bland, bland, bland. If Clive Owen was a color, he would be beige. If he was a beverage he'd be Coke Zero. Clive Owen tastes like chicken - bland unless you add seasoning.
But I digress.
For one of the blandest human beings on this hunk of rock he certainly seems to be getting away with his extreme mediocrity. Not the best looking of men and certainly lacking in the acting department, he seems to get plum roles in big movies and then ruin them for me.
I probably would've been a complete nerd for Sin City if it wasn't for his involvement. I have seen very few films he's been in based upon my... hatred is a harsh word, hmmm... annoyance! I was so concerned he was going to end up as Bond I almost cried. Hell, I'd prefer Jason Statham to be the next Bond but then again I love JS but I don't know why.
So with limited talent how does Owen's star still ascend. The true Hero in this tale is his agent.
I used to goof that his agent was the ultimate salesman. Picture the scene: It's a sunny Hollywood day and Johnny Producer is pouring over resume's for every actor and actress in town. In bursts Clive Owen's agent...
COA: I hear your looking for someone to play the elderly grandmother in the new Mike Nichols film?
JP: Um... sure?
COA: Two words for you - "Clive Owen"
JP: Well, I just don't see how...
COA: Lemme put it to you this way... "Clive OWEN!"
JP: Hmm, I dunno.
COA: cliveowen
JP: Okay get him in.
COA: Awesome! Oh and about the sequel to Cloverfield? The monster in the film? I got two words for you...
Bland, bland, bland. If Clive Owen was a color, he would be beige. If he was a beverage he'd be Coke Zero. Clive Owen tastes like chicken - bland unless you add seasoning.
But I digress.
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