Seething Hatred says: Ghostbusters Two... much?

I can't remember how I became enraptured by Ghostbusters. I was 7 at the time. It was probably either my father or Ray Parker Jr's theme song that decided it. But even before the movie was released I was a fan. I had a poster on my wall - one that only showed the Terror Dogs - and had bought the single played on endless loop on my record player. I had the game for the Spectrum which I played religiously for hours at a time and all this BEFORE the movie was released.

Obviously seeing the film was the real kicker. Still holding up today it was the greatest mix of different elements. Ivan Reitman has tried numerous times to capture the spirit (no pun intended) of the film with Evolution and My Super Ex-Girlfriend, as has Columbia with Men In Black. But none of these could replace Ghostbusters as the phenomenon it was and still is.

I had all the merchandise I could get my paws on and the cartoon series was the pinnacle of 80's cartoons and my own obsession. Yeah... OBSESSION! I was hooked on every aspect of the film even going as far as to study the paranormal with extreme force, essentially turning myself into what the Fox Mulder would become. If you look back at my school photos you will see me, age unknown, smiling while proudly displaying a Ghostbusters "No Ghosts" sweater. I could draw all the characters as well as do passable impersonations of the cartoon counterparts. Even worse getting my hands on my sister's razor I attempted to give myself a receeding hairline like my idol Bill Murray (if only i'd waited until now when I'm getting my own.

1989 was the best year. With Indy 3 and Back To The Future II coming soon, as well as a sequel to Ghostbusters, it was by far one of the best years to be a film fan. I, once more, began snapping up merchandise now labelled with the Ghostbusters II logo. I would watch the trailer on constant repeat saying the line "Sometimes, weird things happens and someone has to deal with it. So who you gonna call?" along with Murray. I was in heaven.

I remember taking the day off school to go see the film with my grandad. Looking back through those rose tinted glasses it was one of the best days ever.

Years later, I still would watch Ghostbusters and the cartoons I had taped religiously. I had grown and so my obsession had wavered. I had collected comics, action figures and lunchboxes. The only thing I didn't have was the Proton Pack as it was too small for me. The cartoons had huge replay value mainly due to the writers excellent stories. They certainly weren't afraid of having to pull punches as in the episode "Knock, Knock" where you genuinely believe the GB's are gonna die and "Slimer, come home" with one of the scariest villains in it's history.

Then there was Ghostbusters II. I had it on video and had watched it once or twice and each viewing had left me colder than the last. I still feel that way today, in fact it was on TV not long ago and after five minutes I switched it off. Why? This is why...

5 YEARS LATER...

...goes the tagline. Of course they are right and so I expected the Ghostbusters had fallen on harder times but didn't expect what had actually happened. There is Dana with HER BABY! Kiss of death for any franchise - throw in a fucking kid! After some tosh about a runaway buggy and some lame shots of the baby bouncing around all is well. As well as this film is going to be.

Ray and Winston pull up at a posh house and we're led to believe they're about to face something scary and awesome. Well, it is scary watching a bunch of lame child actors running around screaming HE-MAN! See they are hired to be the entertainment at a kids birthday party all because the company is bust and there are no more hauntings plus they were sued by New York for damages caused in the first film.

This is my RULE NUMBER ONE for sequels: DON'T FUCK WITH THE ORIGINAL! Once you establish a good, happy ending don't start the next one with "Oh everything turned sour." Now I can't watch Ghostbusters ONE without thinking "And then they get sued." To add insult to the many insults placed on Winston Zeddemore he is shown as the only Ghostbuster who doesn't have a job. Peter hosts a tv show, Ray owns a book shop and Egon is a researcher. Winston... well he goes to kids parties with Ray and dances for peanuts. Why is Ray doing this anyway? A simple line to show he was trying to keep the dream alive would be nice - otherwise he just looks pathetic.

So Dana is worried (and not because he overly homosexual boss is hitting on her) and goes to see Egon and Ray regarding the pushchair incident. Peter goes along and we find out, after GB1, Dana left him because he acted like a prick. Typical woman - you risk your life and the safety of thousands by blowing a hole in this dimension and all it takes is one misplaced comment and they're off. We then start the "Ooh Baby" scenes that will appear sporadically throughout the film. By this point even as a kid I noticed none of the guys smoked anymore. In the first I don't think a scene went past where nobody had a smoke. Memories of Winston saying "That's a big Twinkie" while blowing out enormous quantities of smoke had probably turned me to smoking but WTF? This coupled with inane baby chatter had already pushed me too far.

So long story short - they investigate and find a river of slime which feeds of negativity (audience reactions) and are arrested for doing stupid brooklyn accents to police men. Egon is called Ziggy and says "Yo!" in possibly one strong reason to break the pinky of Harold Ramis. In court an angry judge shouts until ghosts appear. I was angry too as my favorite trailer line now replaced "weird things happen" with "shit happens" and unfamiliar with the slogan I just felt it unnecessary. So they trap the ghosts and immediately set up the business.

On the basis of TWO ghosts. With NO capital. Plus the fact NOTHING seems to have happened in the last 5 years wan't this risky? So they have all new outfits and weapons and, most annoyingly, they have the new "No Ghost II" logo on the car, the firehouse and their uniforms. For US, THE VIEWER, to have a ghost holding up 2 fingers makes sense but for them in the film? They don't answer the phones "Hello Ghostbusters Two!" So for that I call "BULLSHIT!" Plus their phone number, 555 2368, is now JL5-2020. That is also crap. Dunno why.

So, Dana's gay boss is taken over by an evil painting who wants Dana's baby so he can... ah forget it. After her bathtub tries to eat her she goes to Peter's where he proceeds to go all "Ooh Baby" with the kid. BILL MURRAY!! I thought that man had balls. Ray and Egon further investigate the slime and find out it reacts to emotions. Winston vanishes having not being involved in the court scene and only showing up in a montage. When he returns it's to watch a dancing toaster.

Ernie Hudson has appeared in some great films. Most notible was his turn in Hand That Rocks The Cradle and to a lesser extent The Crow. In this film he is there in order to make up the numbers. I remember seeing interviews where the cast and crew were overjoyed at how they got all the cast back. Seriously did we really need Rick Moranis back. He gets more screentime plus his own scenes! After the dancing toaster Winston is gone AGAIN only to return when they need someone to be run over by a phantom train. Possibly the most degrading scene turning the hard as hell character (the muscle of the team) into a screaming girl.

So the mayor's aide lock them up to shut them up while all over the city ghosts start turning up. Louis and Janine are babysitting the brat. Now I haven't mentioned Janine yet but this is the scene where it hurts the most. I crushed on Annie Potts in GB1. I thought she was "all that" mainly because she had short hair which suited her beautiful face. In the cartoon series the funky version became another childhood crush. Something about her hairstyle and short skirts was arousing for a boy hitting puberty. GB2 Janine looks like a joke. Her hair is offensive even by 80's standards and she has gone from a strong, independant, straight laced woman to a quirky, quite dumb, slutty girl. Would the original Janine put a baby to sleep using franchbread pizza? Or thrown herself at Louis Tully? At least it gives Rick Moranis more screentime eh? Ohhh...

Anyway, Dana's baby gets kidnapped. As she climbs out of the window just watch Moranis shove his head out knocking her arm. Not the wisest thing to do when someone you know is venturing out onto a ledge above a massive drop. She goes to museum, slime wall appears, Ghostbusters freed blah blah. Winston gets his fifth line (fifth AUDIBLE) and hey realize they have to make everyone in New York happy to crack the negative energy shell.

This is the one clever idea in the whole film but it doesn't work. Wether it's bad special effects or no actual sense of urgency watching the Statue of Liberty plodding down the street it doesn't jibe. They were trying to top the Stay Puft Marshmallow man but fail and even then, in 1989, I saw the strings, that glimpse into the backstage world. It was obvious that the Ghostbusters weren't shouting at the crowd but were on a soundstage in a fake head mock up. Gone was the excitement and the feeling of watching something cool. Instead I was cheated and it got worse once they finally breach the museum. Vigo steps out of the painting and is soon forced back in where he takes a more demonic visage. Then he posseses Ray - a deleted scene earlier would've explained this a bit more - but instead we have Ray pointlessly walking RIGHT UP to the evil painting. Okayyyyy, still not as lame as Vigo paralysing the GB's giving Bill Murray mugging time to PG smack talk the baddie.

Ray is slimed and the guys fire protons at the painting and Vigo dies. Anti - fucking - climactic. The painting is revealed to have been originally four guys watching over a baby. The guys look like the Ghostbusters. WWWWHHHAAATTT!!!

All in all Ghostbusters II is horrific. I honestly would never watch this film again which is a shame. In fact in order to write this I STILL didn't watch the film, instead I used the seething bitter memories I still hold in my dark part of my brain. The first Ghostbusters was real world, smoking, drinking, swearing and horror whereas Ghostbusters II is a kids film and removes all of it. As a kid I had no idea what a "pecker" was or what "Dickless" meant. Lines like "I want you inside me" and "We get this guy laid we got no problem" swooshed by my precocious mind doing no discernable damage. It was only on catching the film on DVD when it was released that the movie was unlocked fully - also it was 2:35.1 which meant it even LOOKED like a different film.

I am glad Ghostbusters 3 will never be made. From what I heard it sounded worse than this anyway. Hellbent had a story that would have pushed back the real world side and just played on the fantastic. The guys develop goggles that can see another world running parallel to our own - a vision of Hell that sounded like it could have severe fright potential. Then I heard that the film would be a vehicle to have a new, younger group of Ghostbusters to take over. Younger? Bill Murray was 34 and he was a 7 year olds idol! In fact ALL my heroes were older and in their mid to late 30's so why do people think heroes have to be teens these days? Harrison Ford kicked ass in Indy 4 and Bruce Willis can still crush a head or two.

Ah Hollywood, will you ever learn.