Halloween II - the first 45 minutes

Usually when I watch a film and I check the time, to find 45 minutes have passed and not 10, it's a sign of a good film. So colour me shocked when this happened as I watched Rob Zombie's Halloween II... well the first 45 minutes.

I think the main reason for my shock was when I realised I actually was enjoying it. The aftermath of the first (shitty) movie was felt pretty heavily and Laurie Strode was a mess. The scene of them operating on her many wounds was something quite rare in horror - maybe a character might limp in the sequel but rarely get this screwed up. I also kinda liked the gore effects such as them removing a nail from a damaged finger, sewing up a huge X gash on her cheek and, my favourite, her splattered little finger. Yes I winced and yes I felt sick but a Rob Zombie Halloween film had made me feel 2 extra emotions instead of the usual rage.

When a doctor mentioned Laurie would need plastic surgery I thought this would mean a scar free Scout Taylor Compton for the rest of the film and, oddly, I was wrong again. It seemed like the film had me over a barrel... but his was only the opening few minutes.

The 2 guys transporting the bodies - I have no clue who these people actually are or who they work for - engaged in some almost witty banter. When Guy #1 said "What's the difference between Jam and Jelly?" I groaned at what I thought was smart dialogue but it was actually the set up to a minor smile inducing joke. Guy #2 and his obsession with wanting to screw a dead body was also pretty fun. Especially how Guy #1 had no idea how to take it.

Then came the 20 tonne concrete roadblock of a Cow. I have never hit a Cow with a large van nor have I ever seen this happen to someone else. I am pretty sure it wouldn't smash up the front end and only push the cow back a foot. I am certain the cow's legs would shatter and the van would suffer some damage and have bits of cow in the grille. It wouldn't be like hitting Superman with a Pinto. Anyway, Michael arises and kills Guy #2 by sawing his head straight off. Which was also quite fun.

Somehow, Rob Zombie believes White Horses symbolise something. He believes this so much that he has Michael seeing his dead Mother with a white horse everywhere. This serves 2 purposes: Number 1 - it allows us to equate Horses with Rage and so when Laurie sees a White Horse in a Rorsach picture we can go "Oooh" then not give a fuck. Number 2 is pretty obvious: It allows Rob Zombie to force more of his wife's horrible acting on us. Fuck you Rob Zombie.

So Laurie is in the hospital and she goes to visit Annie - Danielle Harris' sliced and diced character from the first. It's a genuine testement to how abnormally bad a killer Michael is. He spent almost 20 minutes carving Annie up like a goose and here she is stitched up with all her internal organs held in by HUGE stitches... then later we see Michael completely botched up Killing Loomis. Pathetic. Or maybe the Haddonfield hospital is just REALLY good at saving people.

Then Michael arrives and kills THE HELL out of a nurse. Seriously stabs her to death and beyond. He then stands there as Laurie runs off and gets pretty good distance on him. Laurie isn't the best at running however due to her leg being in a cast. I was amused at this for 2 reasons - the first being that when the nurse was helping Laurie back to her room I realised despite their technological breakthroughs in saving gutted people they don't seem to have one single wheelchair in the building! Secondly Laurie limps along with an IV drip stand and holds on to it with the right side of her body. Her right leg is in a cast and repeatedly hinders her movement, so she is obviously an idiot as by changing sides she would move much better. When the chase is on she loses the stand and slides down some stairs to work her way to the seedy side of the hospital. You know this place - we've been here many times in horror films - the rain runs through the roof and everything is filthy. Finally, as if this whole thing didn't already seem like an obvious dream sequence, she falls into a HUGE pile of bodies.

Then she makes her way to the gate and instead of hitting the guard station right away (with it's light on an everything) she runs up to the closed gate and wails. Boy does this girl wail.

The guard returns and it's Buffy's first Watcher and the guy from Wing Commander 4. I love this guy but it's obvious his death is mere moments away which sucks. He refuses to listen to her and talks over all her wailing. I'm thinking dream sequence or no that guy is an idiot.

Anyway it all ends rather rubbish but the scene has had some pretty tense moments. All in all I am enjoying Halloween II which is enough for me to let the little things slide.

So it's all a dream. We are now 2 years later and Laurie is a spoilt bitch living with the always brilliant Brad Dourif and Annie. Suddenly Danielle Harris looks the age she is whereas in the first film I was amazed she was playing High School at, what, 40? She actually feels like Brad Dourif's wife which is odd and she still looks hot. It makes you realise just how pathetic and immature Laurie is especially when she is whining and complaining about what she dealt with to a girl with scars all over her body. At this point kill Laurie and have Annie become survivor girl is my main thought - They went through the same ordeal and survived so she has what it takes.

Laurie goes and sees her therapist played well by Margot Kidder, who is no stranger to therapy, and the White Horses are brought up again. Then we follow Laurie to her... job? I think it is as a man tells her she is early for a change. She has a pretty hot friend there - hot until I realise she may be the speedy girl from Heroes - and another girl comes in who is a bit of a slut.

Here is where everything goes horribly wrong. Suddenly the girls start talking and it is with the same horrible "no girl talks like this" banter that killed Halloween 1 for me. I immediately want these girls to die. I want them to die horribly. I want it to be graphic and violent. I would instinctively masturbate.

Which I think Rob Zombie wants? I believe he wants to show us inside the mind of a sick, twisted psychopath SO MUCH he will try to turn you into one. For more on this just go read my Halloween 1 rant.

We then see what Michael has been up to for 2 whole years. He is a hobo living in the middle of nowhere living off dead animals probably. Some local farmers from Buttcrack, Texas (just outside of Chicago - Google Map it!) start giving Michael shit and he kills them.

Then he sees his Mother in a vision who tells him he must unite the family. This obviously entails brutally murdering his sister right? Makes total sense. So after TWO WHOLE YEARS Michael decides to go and get Laurie... and he eats a dog. Go figure.

We then see Brad Dourif talk about films for 5 minutes and Laurie throws up insinuating a psychic connection to her brother. This also makes no sense.

So, yeah, that was 45 minutes. I will be going back to get shit on some more but for now I am taking a calm break. Fuck you again Rob Zombie.